Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
