using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
