i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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