I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
