If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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