Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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