I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
