she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
