Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
