I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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