between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
