We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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