Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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