Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
