mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
