I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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