shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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