I accidentally had phone sex last night
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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