If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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