I just saw a hot homeless man
I cannot find my penis.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
