I am puke
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
