He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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