can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
