dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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