I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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