On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
