He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
