"it" just moved
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
