I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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