what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
