awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
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Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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