Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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