I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
