i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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