he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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