Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
