You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Are my feet made of real feet?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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