Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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