Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
