i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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