I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
