Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
