if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
