I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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