I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
sarcasm needs its own font
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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