Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
