Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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