I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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