i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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