On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
