I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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