What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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