my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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