I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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