He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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