I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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