best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
