i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm too high and old for this...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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