i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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